Monday, November 3, 2008

How We're Going to Vote: Special Interests

Although this list below doesn't tally up every American, Poli Tsk Tsk Tsk's unofficial assessment of special interests groups calls the election overwhelmingly for John McCain and Sarah Palin. You heard it here first.

The Retarded
: The McCain/Palin ticket has won the retarded vote according to the New York Times today, which sites Palin's son down syndrome as a primary reason. [1] Researchers are checking into whether the retarded might be the only ones to vote Republican this fall. +7pts

Real Americans: Based upon Palin's speech last week [2], it's clear that Real Americans will overwhelmingly vote Republican. However, it's not quite clear just whom this group consists of. +13pts

Fake Americans: Researchers have been unable to poll Fake Americans, given that none of them have telephone land lines. Nevertheless, we expect that most Fake Americans will vote Democratic. +7pts

Terrorists: Republicans have spent the last 7 years courting the terrorist vote through their contributions to the rise of Al Qaeda in Iraq and the continued dominance of the Taliban in Afghanistan. Thus, the official endorsement of John McCain by Al Qaeda last week [4] and the expected trouncing of Obama by McCain in terrorist circles. +11pts

Scranton, PA:
Joe Biden is from here. Hillary Clinton pretends to be from here. And despite the fact that it's in the Alabama part of Pennsylvania, Scranton is going to go blue all the well -- well, except for the blue collar workers who lost their jobs to free market economics but still believe in Republican policies. +3pts

British Douchebags:
Christopher Hitchens endorsed Obama. [5] Need I say more? +1pt

American Douchebags:
That's right all you jerks. +14pts

Women Who Love Having Abortions
: All of you are going to hell. +0.00000001 pts.

Americans Who Hate Having Health Care (It's a Choice):
Don't tread on me with your "physological" concerns. +16pts

Gays in the Military:
Surprised? +9 pts

Self-proclaimed Messiahs:
Anything to bring about Armageddon. +19pts


REPUBLICANS: 70.00000000
DEMOCRATS :30.00000001


Anonymous said...

I'm a real, retarded American douchebag gay soldier/terrorist who hates healthcare. You're right, McCain does have my vote.

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