Monday, November 3, 2008

How We're Going to Vote: Special Interests

Although this list below doesn't tally up every American, Poli Tsk Tsk Tsk's unofficial assessment of special interests groups calls the election overwhelmingly for John McCain and Sarah Palin. You heard it here first.


The Retarded
: The McCain/Palin ticket has won the retarded vote according to the New York Times today, which sites Palin's son down syndrome as a primary reason. [1] Researchers are checking into whether the retarded might be the only ones to vote Republican this fall. +7pts

Real Americans: Based upon Palin's speech last week [2], it's clear that Real Americans will overwhelmingly vote Republican. However, it's not quite clear just whom this group consists of. +13pts

Fake Americans: Researchers have been unable to poll Fake Americans, given that none of them have telephone land lines. Nevertheless, we expect that most Fake Americans will vote Democratic. +7pts

Terrorists: Republicans have spent the last 7 years courting the terrorist vote through their contributions to the rise of Al Qaeda in Iraq and the continued dominance of the Taliban in Afghanistan. Thus, the official endorsement of John McCain by Al Qaeda last week [4] and the expected trouncing of Obama by McCain in terrorist circles. +11pts

Scranton, PA:
Joe Biden is from here. Hillary Clinton pretends to be from here. And despite the fact that it's in the Alabama part of Pennsylvania, Scranton is going to go blue all the well -- well, except for the blue collar workers who lost their jobs to free market economics but still believe in Republican policies. +3pts

British Douchebags:
Christopher Hitchens endorsed Obama. [5] Need I say more? +1pt

American Douchebags:
That's right all you jerks. +14pts

Women Who Love Having Abortions
: All of you are going to hell. +0.00000001 pts.

Americans Who Hate Having Health Care (It's a Choice):
Don't tread on me with your "physological" concerns. +16pts

Gays in the Military:
Surprised? +9 pts

Self-proclaimed Messiahs:
Anything to bring about Armageddon. +19pts

FINAL TALLY

REPUBLICANS: 70.00000000
DEMOCRATS :30.00000001

Monday, October 6, 2008

Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator



Yes, the American people have learned from experience that it's not the content of your resume but the quality of your character that will make you a good president.

This page uses a modified script from www.blazonry.com, a site with free scripts, examples, tutorials and web developer resources. Script Copyright (c) 1998-2007 Astonish Inc. All rights reserved.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Vote Goya: 11 reasons why



Why are we voting for Goya in 2008?
  1. Washington outsider
  2. Young and attractive
  3. Foreign policy experience: has eaten Mexican, Indian, Chinese, Thai, Italian, Jewish, Japanese, Korean, Peruvian, Jamaican, Polish, Spanish, and Afghani food
  4. Health care plan: free vets for everyone . . . it's better than what we have now . . Dental consists of a rawhide for every American
  5. Lactose intolerant: no worries of tainted Chinese milk, and angry about tainted pet food
  6. Homeland security: barks loudly
  7. In touch with the people: started life as an orphan, adopted by struggling artists
  8. Fitness: four walks a day, minimum, for all Americans
  9. Family values: likes to cuddle, eat around the table
  10. Economical: never lets scraps go to waste
  11. Feel good: believes in love and licks above all else

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Sarah Palin: One on One with Poli Tsk Tsk Tsk

Sarah Palin was generous enough to lend 10 minutes to me following last night's debate for some commentary on her performance. A complete transcript follows below.

Q: Gov. Palin, it seems that you have trouble forming sentences. Would you talk about your oratory in tonight's debate?

A. You know, David, on Main Street Alaska far away from Wall Street corruption where the outsiders, sentence completion is an East Coast liberal with a hockey stick not for the American people with their taxes prepared drilling for H&R block. As governor with change around the kitchen sink with homosexual choice for pregnant daughters. I would appreciate it if, like Ronald Reagan, you not insert Barack Obama punctuation into the transcription of. Every day American people, and that's what we're looking for.

Q. On that note, will you talk about how you prepared for this debate?

A. When I was growing up as a little boy in Scranton, Pennsylvania, Osama Bin Laden went to Africa where he encountered a tax collector who refused to leave any child behind in the hands of health care professional where it really counts.

Q. But Joe Biden is from Scranton. You're from Alaska.

A. And God bless him, gosh darn it, why dontcha? I'll get back to you on that one.

Q. OK . . . Uh, in your interviews with Katie Couric, you had trouble coming up with words. Tonight you proved that you can put words together, though some are already commenting that all you did was recite talking points unrelated to the questions asked. Can you comment on this?

A. Well, you can tell that I'm a Washington outsider because I don't know what in Almighty you're talking about. What I do know is that my dad is here in the audience (*wink*) and I just want to say hello to health care reform that we need financial crisis megachurch drill baby drill for education liberals increase taxes, folksonomy maverick, gee whiz. Next?

Q. One question the moderator didn't ask was about your support of Wasilla regulations that required rape victims to pay for their own rape kits. Would you care to set the record staight on that?


A. Ho boy, I'm glad you asked that one. I just want to give a shout out to all my crazy bitches in Mista Snoops third grade class. I know you're getting extra credit for watching tonight.

Q. And just to be clear, would you comment on how John McCain's plan to fund health care by taxing health care benefits will lead to more people being insured?

A. That's the tax and spend liberals again. You know, David, when Ahmedinejahd attacks the Jews at Columbia University, Nancy-would-you-know-it, we won't be talking about the uninsured, we'll be talking about the babies burning in holy hellfire, but at least we made the right choice, dang skippy.

Q. Is there anything about the debate that you'd like to say to the American people before we wrap up?

A. The Jews are our friends.  Please don't kill them.  And if you're going to have sex, please don't use a condom, which interferes with God's plan for all of us, which does not include the choice of evolution.  Vote Palin-McCain for change. Especially if he goes to heaven.  And no, I'm not a puppet or a shill for the far right

Monday, September 22, 2008

Hot Off the Press: New York Daily News

We've hit a major Metropolitan newspaper . . . Today, reporters from the NY Daily News are using their SPNG names! Read the article on the NY Daily News website.



Saturday, September 20, 2008

Hot Off the Press: Scranton Times Tribune Interview

The Scranton Times-Tribune published a 5 Questions with me in today's paper. You can visit their site for the published interview, or you can read below for all the things they didn't publish. More press to come in the next few days.

P.S. All the candidates seem to want to milk that Scranton connection. Joe Biden gets props by being just a working class boy from Scranton. Hillary even tried to claim that she was a working class boy from Scranton. Maybe I should create a Working Class Boy from Scranton Stump Speech Generator?

9 Questions (No Edits)

Q. What would be the best part about Sarah Palin being vice president?

A. As the economy fails and China rises to power, America will need to inspire more budding beauty queens to compete on the international job market, not scientists or people who can read.

Q. What would be the worst part about Sarah Palin being vice president?

A. Given Palin’s qualifications, her choice of baby names, and her extreme stances on polarizing issues, there wouldn’t be anything for critics to poke fun at.

Q. Did you know that the letters in "Sarah Palin" can be rearranged to spell "a sharp nail"?

A. I tried making a Sarah Palin Anagram Generator, but there were only 10! (factorial) possible results and most of them were gibberish.

Q. What's your favorite political joke?

A.It can’t be printed in a family publication, but it has to do with Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, and the Homestead Act.

Q. If you were Joe Biden, and you were debating Sarah Palin, what would you say to poke fun at her, even at the risk of alienating every fence-sitting voter?

A. Canada is geographically larger than the United States but with only about a tenth of our population. Why is this? Hockey accounts for the deaths about about 1/3 of all potential fathers in Canada, and hockey moms are leading them straight to it. Do we really want a VP who wants to kill our boys?

Q. Your blog makes light of politics. Didn't anyone ever tell you that politics is serious business?

A. If I put “politics serious business” into the generator, it spits out “Mullet Troll Palin.”

Q. As a president, John McCain would be much easier to lampoon than Barack Obama. So, regardless of political leanings, you've got to be pulling for McCain, right?

A. I figure Obama’s got at least 8 working years in him, and at 72 McCain . . . well, the average American male life expectancy is 75, which makes for a short satire career.

Q. It's 2010. President McCain has decided to retire, leaving Sarah Palin as commander in chief. What's the first thing you're going to do?

A. Run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.

Q. If Sarah Palin were president, who would have more to worry about: polar bears or doctors who perform abortions?

A. On the domestic front, doctors who perform abortions on polar bears and the polar bears who perform abortions on doctors would have the most to worry about. However, given the proximity of Alaska to Russia, I’d have to say that Russian polar bear abortionists would be quaking on their ice floes.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Thank you

Dear Baby Namers,

I'm completely blown away by the response that the Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator (SPBNG?) is getting. I feel particularly indebted to Anne Lamont at Salon.com, Ken Lane at Wonkette.com, and all the funny people who've been tickled by my little foray into political frustration.
Moreover, I expect to see a lot of Crunk Bearcat and Scat Dubya Palins running for office in 20 years. That's right, I want you to name your kids this way.

Seriously, I hope you all will vote. For Obama, of course. But thank you, thank you, thank you. I am humbled and flattered.

Yours truly,

David W. Harrington a.k.a Skein Chug Palin

P.S. If I put Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator into the generator, it comes out Goalie Sanka Palin, which is much more succinct.